hate the future

bad news from there

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Nov 09
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“ You pretend to be all non-violent, and you allow the most bloody, deceitful, evil, murderous bastard and his shemale sidekick to place their satanic spawn within your four walls?
— posting for Westboro Baptist Church’s protest today at Sidwell Friends, the Quaker school attended by Sasha and Malia Obama
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Forthcoming Music Genres To Avoid Disc-Go Shtetl Metal Whip-Hop Creamo Reggaespawn Nu Post-Core Grillwave Blow-Fi Chubblegum Pop Fadtronica Synth-Dad

Forthcoming Music Genres To Avoid

  • Disc-Go
  • Shtetl Metal
  • Whip-Hop
  • Creamo
  • Reggaespawn
  • Nu Post-Core
  • Grillwave
  • Blow-Fi
  • Chubblegum Pop
  • Fadtronica
  • Synth-Dad
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Nov 06
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Prepare For The Future No. 3: Mutants Prepare For The Future is a feature designed to get you thinking critically about how to handle the terrible future that awaits us all. Whether by Darwinian or radioactive means, mutants will soon live among us. They will look weird and move weird and more than likely smell weird.  But they will be a minority, which means that when the first telekinetic baby makes its Oprah debut, it’ll be time to get motherfucking oppressive on that shit. Politicians, even while fanning the bonfires of hate that burn so brightly in us all, will be slow to act.  They will quibble over minor details of mutant control instead of just outlawing teleportation.  That’s why it’s critical that we start getting anti-mutant legislation on the books this instant.  What sort of Orwellian laws would you like to have in place to victimize this new and therefore terrifying offshoot of humanity?  Which elected officials or bureaucrats would you trust to get the job done?  Should mutants, for our entertainment, simply be forced to fight to the death in football stadiums during the offseason like so many Pokémon? You make the call.

Prepare For The Future No. 3: Mutants

Prepare For The Future is a feature designed to get you thinking critically about how to handle the terrible future that awaits us all.

Whether by Darwinian or radioactive means, mutants will soon live among us. They will look weird and move weird and more than likely smell weird.  But they will be a minority, which means that when the first telekinetic baby makes its Oprah debut, it’ll be time to get motherfucking oppressive on that shit.

Politicians, even while fanning the bonfires of hate that burn so brightly in us all, will be slow to act.  They will quibble over minor details of mutant control instead of just outlawing teleportation.  That’s why it’s critical that we start getting anti-mutant legislation on the books this instant.  What sort of Orwellian laws would you like to have in place to victimize this new and therefore terrifying offshoot of humanity?  Which elected officials or bureaucrats would you trust to get the job done?  Should mutants, for our entertainment, simply be forced to fight to the death in football stadiums during the offseason like so many Pokémon?

You make the call.

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Nov 05
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Newest Masonic Conspiracy Theory: What You Need To Know —It’s true —I renounce the previous statement for reasons not including Masonic coercion

Newest Masonic Conspiracy Theory: What You Need To Know

—It’s true

—I renounce the previous statement for reasons not including Masonic coercion

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Nov 04
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BREAKING NEWS — MEXICO ANNEXES SOUTHWESTERN U.S.; LIBERAL IMMIGRANT-HUGGERS FORCED TO ADMIT REDNECKS, XENOPHOBES WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG

BREAKING NEWS — MEXICO ANNEXES SOUTHWESTERN U.S.; LIBERAL IMMIGRANT-HUGGERS FORCED TO ADMIT REDNECKS, XENOPHOBES WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG

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Nov 03
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(via poisonville)

(via poisonville)

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Nov 02
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Soon To Be Trending On Twitter

#notenoughroomforanythingbutthehastagyourereadingrightnowsodontexpectanythingtoappearattheendofthisstringofwordsbecausetaintgonnahappenbuddy

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Japanese Fishing Trawler Sunk By Giant Jellyfish

Japanese Fishing Trawler Sunk By Giant Jellyfish

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Oct 30
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Cloning Dinosaurs On Private Island Off The Cost Of Costa Rica Pros: —Respect from grandchildren —Makes that reserve they’ve got down in Kenya look like a petting zoo —You control their chromosomes; it’s actually quite simple Cons: —You don’t have control; you never did—that’s the illusion —Spared no expense —The guaranteed interference of Jeff Goldblum

Cloning Dinosaurs On Private Island Off The Cost Of Costa Rica

Pros:

—Respect from grandchildren

—Makes that reserve they’ve got down in Kenya look like a petting zoo

—You control their chromosomes; it’s actually quite simple

Cons:

—You don’t have control; you never did—that’s the illusion

—Spared no expense

—The guaranteed interference of Jeff Goldblum

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Oct 29
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Oct 28
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This Weekend’s Scheduled Socializing Thursday, 9 PM — Guys-on-the-prowl outing fizzles into night of Wii Tennis Friday, 8:30 PM — Williamsburg house shindig where no one answers buzzer Friday, 10 PM — Williamsburg rooftop shindig where door to roof won’t open Friday, 11 PM — Tapping your toe to same beat as someone else on L train Saturday, 2:30 AM — Gay club that seemed like a good idea Saturday, Noon — Brunch with rest of jail cell Saturday, 6 PM — Fraught, obligatory dinner with family after they post bail Saturday, 9:45 PM — Thing you didn’t know was a toga party Saturday, 10 PM — Arguing with Duane Reade clerk that they must sell togas Saturday, 10:30 PM — Duvet, that midtown club with beds Saturday, 11 PM — Beaten for exiting Duvet wearing bedsheet as toga Sunday, 9 AM — Church

This Weekend’s Scheduled Socializing

Thursday, 9 PM — Guys-on-the-prowl outing fizzles into night of Wii Tennis

Friday, 8:30 PM — Williamsburg house shindig where no one answers buzzer

Friday, 10 PM — Williamsburg rooftop shindig where door to roof won’t open

Friday, 11 PM — Tapping your toe to same beat as someone else on L train

Saturday, 2:30 AM — Gay club that seemed like a good idea

Saturday, Noon — Brunch with rest of jail cell

Saturday, 6 PM — Fraught, obligatory dinner with family after they post bail

Saturday, 9:45 PM — Thing you didn’t know was a toga party

Saturday, 10 PM — Arguing with Duane Reade clerk that they must sell togas

Saturday, 10:30 PM — Duvet, that midtown club with beds

Saturday, 11 PM — Beaten for exiting Duvet wearing bedsheet as toga

Sunday, 9 AM — Church

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Oct 27
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Emergent Portmanteau

Please be advised that sufficiently red mustaches are henceforth only to be referred to as “rustaches.”

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Were You Aware? The idea of constructing a dome over Houston is gaining traction, as it would be easier than rounding up all those currently in violation of their parole.

Were You Aware?

The idea of constructing a dome over Houston is gaining traction, as it would be easier than rounding up all those currently in violation of their parole.

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