
Prepare For The Future No. 3: Mutants
Prepare For The Future is a feature designed to get you thinking critically about how to handle the terrible future that awaits us all.
Whether by Darwinian or radioactive means, mutants will soon live among us. They will look weird and move weird and more than likely smell weird. But they will be a minority, which means that when the first telekinetic baby makes its Oprah debut, it’ll be time to get motherfucking oppressive on that shit.
Politicians, even while fanning the bonfires of hate that burn so brightly in us all, will be slow to act. They will quibble over minor details of mutant control instead of just outlawing teleportation. That’s why it’s critical that we start getting anti-mutant legislation on the books this instant. What sort of Orwellian laws would you like to have in place to victimize this new and therefore terrifying offshoot of humanity? Which elected officials or bureaucrats would you trust to get the job done? Should mutants, for our entertainment, simply be forced to fight to the death in football stadiums during the offseason like so many Pokémon?
You make the call.
Newest Masonic Conspiracy Theory: What You Need To Know
—It’s true
—I renounce the previous statement for reasons not including Masonic coercion
BREAKING NEWS — MEXICO ANNEXES SOUTHWESTERN U.S.; LIBERAL IMMIGRANT-HUGGERS FORCED TO ADMIT REDNECKS, XENOPHOBES WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG
#notenoughroomforanythingbutthehastagyourereadingrightnowsodontexpectanythingtoappearattheendofthisstringofwordsbecausetaintgonnahappenbuddy
Cloning Dinosaurs On Private Island Off The Cost Of Costa Rica
Pros:
—Respect from grandchildren
—Makes that reserve they’ve got down in Kenya look like a petting zoo
—You control their chromosomes; it’s actually quite simple
Cons:
—You don’t have control; you never did—that’s the illusion
—Spared no expense
—The guaranteed interference of Jeff Goldblum
This Weekend’s Scheduled Socializing
Thursday, 9 PM — Guys-on-the-prowl outing fizzles into night of Wii Tennis
Friday, 8:30 PM — Williamsburg house shindig where no one answers buzzer
Friday, 10 PM — Williamsburg rooftop shindig where door to roof won’t open
Friday, 11 PM — Tapping your toe to same beat as someone else on L train
Saturday, 2:30 AM — Gay club that seemed like a good idea
Saturday, Noon — Brunch with rest of jail cell
Saturday, 6 PM — Fraught, obligatory dinner with family after they post bail
Saturday, 9:45 PM — Thing you didn’t know was a toga party
Saturday, 10 PM — Arguing with Duane Reade clerk that they must sell togas
Saturday, 10:30 PM — Duvet, that midtown club with beds
Saturday, 11 PM — Beaten for exiting Duvet wearing bedsheet as toga
Sunday, 9 AM — Church
Please be advised that sufficiently red mustaches are henceforth only to be referred to as “rustaches.”
Were You Aware?
The idea of constructing a dome over Houston is gaining traction, as it would be easier than rounding up all those currently in violation of their parole.