Total Coverage Military Armor
PRO: Unequaled protection from gunfire and shrapnel.
CON: Got eight more villages to burn down today.
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Giant Face Ominous, Impossible Not To Dramatically Approach
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Five Things No One Told You About Having Sex With A Clone Of Yourself
- Don’t
- Never
- Avoid
- Use protection
- Stop it
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The Umbilicus: FAQ
Q. Can one use it to dock space shuttles?
A. Umbilicus is Latin for “navel.”
Q. I mean, can it be pressurized and form airtight seals?
A. The Umbilicus urbis Romae was the designated center of Rome.
Q. And who was the seventh emperor of Rome?
A. Searching … searching …
Q. I was messing around, forget it.
A. Searching … searching …
Q. Stop. Force Quit. Force Quit.
A. Entry for Emperor Umbilicus not found.
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BetterLife® Tip No. 174
Never let your child win a round of mini-golf; they will subconsciously resent your weakness.
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Last thing I did as a twenty-four-year-old was try to shave in the dark. I pictured all the puckerings and sneers, the facial flex, each tangled zone of beard. Stickiness mingled with the cooling foam: blood. I’d cut the pads of two fingers. Affixing Band-aids, I blamed an obsession with a man. Then I successfully blamed the man. Then I knew what a struggle the rest of my life would be.
“A Syndicate of Angels,” Northwind Magazine No. 1
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Spotlight On: The iNuke, A 10,000-Watt iPhone Dock
The neighbors will never suspect that no one came to your party.
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Substitute Teacher Modules
- Dispense busywork 2500% faster
- Programmed to sabotage unions
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Were You Aware?
That angry zit is actually a victim of low self-esteem.
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Diet Preemptively Broken
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Poll: What’s The Best Part About Being A Tourist?
___ Sitting
___ Finding good places to sit
___ Not standing or walking for a while
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The company holiday party had just commenced and already Bill was saying offensive things about Muslims. When Stephanie tried to correct his xenophobic beliefs, Bill told her to shut up, because “Islam is a religion that doesn’t respect women.” Walter had the idea to tell him that Muslims celebrated Christmas, too; Allison didn’t think he would buy that. When Vipal, our IT specialist, stopped by, someone made sure to staple a sprig of mistletoe to his turban. Then we let Bill cheat at the Yankee Swap, and tried to keep him from drinking any more red champagne, but it turned out to be non-alcoholic.
Theme: Linear by Peter Vidani
