November 2008
17 posts
2025 A.D. (aka The New 2012 A.D.)
When: 2025 (A.D.)
What: What the Mayan anti-FDR technocalypse thirteen years prior was a warmup for.
WTF: The U.S. National Intelligence Council (motto: Over One Million Placed On Terrorist Watch List) has released a report on future global trends. Don’t worry, most of you won’t survive long enough to experience its hellish prophecies made manifest.
You don’t even want to...
The Rupert Murdoch Pulls Someone's Spine Out...
FACTORS:
New York Post Continues To Bleed Money: +22
Baz Luhrmann About To Shit All Over Australia: +50
Forced Outward Appearances Of Confidence: +7
Swaps Briefs For Boxers: -14
Has To Acquire Turkish Citizenship For Business Reasons: +85
= RMPSSOTTBOTN INDEX of 150
(Any number over 135 indicates Murdoch will perform the act the next time he is pressed to try an avocado or gets Pat...
Closed To Interpretation
You’ll be pleased to know that CliffsNotes for web sites are now available, it being so difficult to discern the agendas of the planet’s inscrutably named and opaquely written blogsam (i.e. flotsam or jetsam composed principally of abandoned, disjointed or otherwise psychotically incoherent blogs). Now, whenever something someone put on the Internet confuses you, simply plug it into...
Fiber-optic Dominogasm
When: In time for Christmas dinner 2008 because fuck cooking for those drunks.
What: A handy TiVo app that eliminates the infuriating window of time between seeing the digital semblance of a pizza and effectively demanding a real one.
WTF: Now the discriminating couch surfer will be able to order Domino’s at the push of several buttons way easier to push than the ones on a Razr, and all...
“According to a 2006 study by the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life, a...”
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In a Pandemic, Who Gets to Live?
Not you.
But in fact, I think survivors would envy the zombies.
(Pictured: Dead people swarm the polls in on election day in Lyndon, Pennsylvania, claiming to have been registered to vote by ACORN. Courtesy of Mitch Dansky / AFP / Getty Images)
Tobacco — “Dirt” (Feat. Aesop Rock)
...
Biometric Security
When: Around the same time that people realize the only money left is Nazi gold interred in Swiss banks.
What: Security systems that know you’re you based on unique biological data inputs such as fingerprints, voice frequency and cock shape.
WTF: That’s right, give criminals a reason to separate people from their various essential body parts. And shelling out a pint of blood to get...
The Night Sky's New Fall Lineup
Northern Lights: CANCELED
Meteor Shower: CANCELED
Spy Satellites: DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT
Two And A Half Men Broadcast Directly Onto Lunar Surface: TOP OF EVERY HOUR
International Space Station — The Final Season: CANCELED
Light Pollution: WEEKDAYS 11:30 pm / 10:30 pm CENTRAL
Drifting Clouds: CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED AND AWARD-WINNING SO DEFINITELY CANCELED
100% CCTV Surveillance Coverage
PROS:
—Easier than ever to get job as guy watching wall full of screens
—Take that, terrorists
—Keep an eye on cheatin’ wife
CONS:
—Random ephemeral beauty captured on screens shockingly dull
—Terrorists win
—OMG MY WIFE
“Today, whatever you say inside of a company will end up on a blog.”
– Rusty Rueff, former human resources executive at Electronic Arts and PepsiCo
Targeted Memory Erasing
When: 2013
What: Just a harmless little protein that goes by the name alpha-CaM kinase II. And gives people amnesia. Also, have some.
WTF: From a bunch of scientists who apparently never rented Eternal Sunshine comes the well-intentioned evil of a lifetime—a drug currently being tested on mice that does not merely interfere with retrieval access for compiled experience but “actively...
