PROS: —Can finally make up mind about God —Satisfaction with government —We’re all racists now CONS: —None whatsoever —None whatsoever —None whatsoever
There is only one thing that arouses animals more than pleasure, and that is...– Umberto Eco
When: New Year’s Eve forward. What: An inconvenient invitation. WTF: Get ready for the beginning of Bring Your Own Everything. Times are tight, shit is fucked, and the last thing you can count on is being fed by someone throwing a dinner party. Brought a picture of hors d’oeuvres in case we want to reminisce about eating Why break the wedding-crashing habit now: Because soon you...
Final Chapter Heading For 18th Century Novel On...
A Cold War Indeed — King Of Camelot — Is Shot — Knight Of Camelot — Is Shot — Man Has Dream — Is Shot — Fiscal & Energy Crises — Rabbit Attack — Win One For Whoever I Am — Berlin Undivided — Adventure In The Desert — Salvation Via The High-Pitched Ringing Which Alerts Us That Class Is Over — Dinner In Japan — The Mistress Stable — Master Of His Domain — 9/11 —Friedman’s Irksome Moustache...
Coca-Cola Recipe Unstealable!
The priceless, heavily guarded recipe for Coca-Cola classic remained safely under lock and key, top soft drink officials said today, adding that you’d have to be crazy to try to get past randomized moving laser grids, infrared heat detectors and the polar bear, even with extensive blueprints, to cat-burgle the impossibly valuable flash drive in which are encoded details of the actually quite...
According to Mormon dogma, marriage extends into the afterlife, and couples...–
When: 2033 What: A misleadingly named tragedy to unfold in (where else?) Africa. WTF: Claspy frets that Japan’s industrial robots will destroy us all when they’re done building our Mazdas. Others might look at this graph and say Asia and Europe are in fact getting too robot-y for their own good, and will suffer a Asimovian fate along with the rest of us for their technophilia....
Whose DNA Got Accidentally Spliced In The Cloner?
Jeff Goldblum + Bobcat: 1% Wooly Mammoth + Stupid Regular Elephant: 22% Identical Twins’: ?% Kermit The Frog + John Mayer: ?% Puggle + Golden Doodle: 8% Two Über-Weak Strains Of Weed (My Bad, Dude): 39% Uncle Vince + Mistress + Drunk Driver That Killed Them: 4% Housefly + Different Species of Housefly: 16%
The Truth Will Abduct You
UFO SIGHTINGS UP 700% Meet Bob Gardner. He has been the Lead Field Investigator on 78 cases so far this year in the 5 country Metro Philadelphia area. He’s a Field Investigator for MUFON (Mutual UFO Network). Gardner says there was a wave of UFO activity this past summer in the Levittown area. Evidence left behind has been analyzed. “We had tree branches tested that were dusted with a strange...
I looked out the window and saw this white light. It was zigzagging around. I...– President Ronald Reagan, describing his 1974 UFO encounter to veteran newsman Norman C. Miller, Washington bureau chief for the Wall Street Journal
The Boys From Britain
When: 2023, the year the first clone achieves songwriting maturity. What: The ultimate rickroll. WTF: I don’t want to freak y’all out too much, but I just got an email from some guy positing a global Rick Astley resurgence the likes of which was barely hinted at by that bizarre Thanksgiving Day Parade episode. Why start learning to love white folks that sing like black folks: ...
Giant Squids Attack Surface World
PROS: —No longer dependent on dreams for nightmarish visions —Health insurance covers tentacle rash —Don’t have to pretend to like calamari anymore CONS: —Nightmarish visions —Social stigma of tentacle rash —Never really invited to parties where they serve calamari
[Laser company Raydiance Inc. president Scott Davidson] said he is restricted in...–