January 2009
20 posts
On Justice
Man Smears Feces On His Lawyer, Flings It At Jury
SAN DIEGO – A San Diego judge has declared a mistrial in a kidnapping and assault case after the defendant smeared excrement on his lawyer’s face and threw it at jurors. The judge boosted defendant Weusi McGowan’s bail from $250,000 to $1 million after the Monday incident.
…
McGowan had smuggled a bag of feces into court and...
If I Were A Free Fallin’ Boy (Beyoncé vs....
“In a study funded by the Economic and Social Research Council and the Medical...”
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The Organic Monopoly
When: As soon as the government gives up trying to prevent it. So two months, max.
What: Whole Foods Market’s final takeover of its sole competitor in the hippie feed industry, Wild Oats Markets, which means you can expect insufferable customers of either establishment to complain a lot more about the price of the all-natural feta cheese-scented deodorant they wear.
Whole Foods...
Wall Street Suicide Guidelines
I. Don’t land on me
2. Just don’t
President Barack Obama
PROS:
—Civil liberties reinstated
—Competent government
—Killer jump shot
CONS:
—Hard to be cynical
—Can’t keep blithely claiming to be smarter than the president
—Could still just be a collective hallucination
Sun #1
Astronauts Threatened By Cosmic Rays As Sun Becomes Less Active
“Astronauts returning to the moon could be threatened by cosmic rays as a result of the sun becoming less active, scientists have said.
The sun’s ability to shield the solar system from harmful radiation could falter in the early 2020s, research from the Swiss Federal Institute of Aquatic Science and Technology...
Overworked NSA To Country: “Can You Shut Up For...
Citing a dire need to “catch up on domestic surveillance” following the holidays, stressed-out employees of the National Security Agency issued an irritable statement to Americans on Thursday: “stuff your yaps or we’ll stuff ’em for ya.”
The agency’s wiretappers and computer hackers noted that they are only human, there are a finite number of hours in a day, and they’d love to be home in time...
5 Real Companies Whose Names Should Terrify You
I.
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III.
(Translation: Saudi Basic Industries Corp.)
IV.
V.
Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen
Why does everything evil have red eyes? Is it because trying reefer turned them bad?
When: June 26, 2009
What: The most inexplicably unmarketable movie ever.
WTF: With all indications suggesting Michael Bay is losing his grip on reality, that Paramount has no promotional game plan, and that Shia LaBeouf is not stomped to death in the first five minutes of the film, you can bet you’re...
“Have I read The Great Gatsby? I am the Great Gatsby!”
– Sean “Diddy” Combs, to London newspaper The Independent
How To Read Criticism
As the gap between cultural elites and lick-your-own-feets grows ever wider, you may find film, music, theater and art critics suddenly talking over your misshapen Cro-Magnon head. Even the critics who appear on local news shows and the little screens in the backseats of taxis, the ones whose flippant disregard for anything other than the formulaic and feel-good you actually laughed at once upon...
Breaking Your New Year's Resolution
When: Later today, if not already
What: The less-than-a-week-into-it breaking point for the scant willpower you pretend to have.
WTF: By now you should understand that New Year’s resolutions are a pathetic ploy to flirt with fellow binge eaters and make co-workers aware of the petty addictions you consider hugely relevant. Let’s just lay off, shall we?
Technicians inspect the New...
