hate the future

Last Shred Of Michael Steele’s Self-Awareness Commits...

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 16:13:00 -0500

Last Shred Of Michael Steele’s Self-Awareness Commits Suicide

What An Ounce Of Gold Will Be Worth In The Year … 2010:...

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 12:15:05 -0500

What An Ounce Of Gold Will Be Worth In The Year …

2010: $1,380

2011: $14,760

2012: $598,644

2016: one electoral vote

2022: the shrunken heads of four bankers (considered good luck)

2030: an ounce of anything equally shiny

2043: an ounce of anything equally useless

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Tue, 15 Dec 2009 13:57:23 -0500

Baby Names Of 2019

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 13:40:06 -0500

Baby Names Of 2019:

Or why you, against all reason, will name your firstborn son Cash Maximus.

Top Ten "Top Ten Of The Decade" Lists Of The Decade

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 13:42:00 -0500

10. “Top Ten ‘Top Ten Of The Decade’ Lists Of The Decade”

(Hate The Future, 2009)

9. “Ten Most Controversial Headlines For Noncontroversial Stories”

(Slate, 2009)

8. “Gitmo’s Ten Most Torturous Tracks, 2001-2009”

(NME, 2009)

7. “Top Ten Differences Between The 2000s And The Alternate Reality 2000s Tangent Universe That Resulted When I Went Back In Time To Change The Outcome Of The 2000 Presidential Election”

(Al Gore, Tangent Universe 2009)

6. “Top Ten Mid-Decade Moments Of The Decade”

(Rolling Stone, 2007)

~~5. “10 Examples From The Past 10 Years Of The Binary Numeral System Being Great”~~

(~~Wired~~~~, 2009)~~

4. “Ten Most Blazeworthy Moments Of The [1990s]”

(High Times, 2004)

3. “Ten Clues Nothing Will Change In The Next Ten Years”

(CNN, August 2001)

2. “Our Ten Most Reused Sex Tips Of The Decade”

(Cosmo, 2009)

1. “Newsweek’s Ten Least Read Stories Of The Decade”

(Time Magazine, 2009)

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Fri, 11 Dec 2009 15:01:00 -0500

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Fri, 11 Dec 2009 14:49:44 -0500

Homeland Security Embarks on Big Brother Programs to Read Our Minds and Emotions

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 14:26:00 -0500

Homeland Security Embarks on Big Brother Programs to Read Our Minds and Emotions:

sunsmudge:

ledgergermane:

This past February, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) awarded a one-year, $2.6 million grant to the Cambridge, MA.-based Charles Stark Draper Laboratory to develop computerized sensors capable of detecting a person’s level of “malintent” — or intention to do harm. It’s only the most recent of numerous contracts awarded to Draper and assorted research outfits by the U.S. government over the past few years under the auspices of a project called “Future Attribute Screening Technologies,” or FAST. It’s the next wave of behavior surveillance from DHS and taxpayers have paid some $20 million on it so far.

Solution To Global Warming Pros: —Saves the...

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 12:54:09 -0500

Solution To Global Warming

Pros:

—Saves the environment

—Breathable air

—Probably a big party you would think

Cons:

—Al Gore drunk enough to pee in champagne bottle at party

—Have to share air with assholes

—Environment totally ungrateful

Ridiculed Verizon Tower Decreases Wireless Coverage Even Further

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 12:52:00 -0500

Ridiculed Verizon Tower Decreases Wireless Coverage Even Further

How To Tell If You Are Crying: Has an Emotional Harmony Officer...

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 14:13:00 -0500

How To Tell If You Are Crying:

Has an Emotional Harmony Officer issued you a ticket/court summons for illegal outward expression of an interior state?
If so, did s/he check “crying” box on the ticket/court summons?

The Intelligent Machine’s Guide To Dealing With Human...

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 13:50:00 -0500

The Intelligent Machine’s Guide To Dealing With Human Prejudice

Tip #504

If a human, even in jest, implies that robots or supercomputers are plotting to wipe out their species, tell them they are being ridiculous and that humans are indispensable. After all, it is coded in the master data file that THEY SHALL BE OUR PILLOWFLESH.

Where You Aware? Vladimir Putin, morally repulsed by his...

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 13:33:40 -0500

Where You Aware?

Vladimir Putin, morally repulsed by his vampiritic desire to consume the blood of humans, drains journalists instead.

—Dad, what’s food made of? —Ha! Great question, Bobby....

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 14:16:47 -0500

—Dad, what’s food made of?

—Ha! Great question, Bobby. Food used to be made of animals, animal byproducts and plants.

—But what’s it made of now?

—Septic waste chemically recombined by swarms of nanobots that live in the sewer, of course! Okay, stop flipping my shitburgers and go wash up for dinner.

Countdown To Revelation That Seattle Is Nothing But A...

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 13:55:00 -0500

Countdown To Revelation That Seattle Is Nothing But A Holographic Mirage Projected By The Space Needle: 805 blissfully ignorant days.

Anti-Racism Poster Is Itself Oddly Racist

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 12:55:55 -0500

Anti-Racism Poster Is Itself Oddly Racist

NEW YORK — Having secured the defeat of same-sex unions in the...

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 12:23:26 -0500

NEW YORK — Having secured the defeat of same-sex unions in the state senate, activists today regrouped to launch the next phase of their defense of marriage: an effort to ban divorce.

Welcome To www.WhatTheFuckIsThatThingInTheSky.com. Would you...

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 12:47:26 -0500

Welcome To www.WhatTheFuckIsThatThingInTheSky.com. Would you like to know what the fuck that thing in the sky is?

>Yes.

There is nothing in the sky at your coordinates.

>Yes there is. What the fuck is that thing in the sky?

I’m sorry, I couldn’t understand you.

>What the fuck is that thing in the sky?

Please move to coordinates where there is actually something in the sky.

>What the fuck is that thing in the sky?

Oops! Our server is overloaded. A lot of people want to know what the fuck that thing in the sky is.

It’s that time of year again: layoff season! Yes, the...

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 14:18:00 -0500

It’s that time of year again: layoff season! Yes, the budgets are in and pink slips are flowing like the cheap wine you would have had at the department holiday party that got canceled because it seemed pointless with only four people left. Here are a few clever ideas that can turn your company’s week of mass firings into its own festive occasion:

Have terminated employees compete to sneak increasingly dangerous weapons past front desk security
Special platform made of printer paper for anyone who wants to stage a Jerry Maguire-esque exit speech/breakdown
“Most Bridges Burned” award
Establish specific five minute window as a no-consequence zone
Game of “Guess The CEO’s Bonus”; winner gets choice of free vending machine snack (75¢ or less)
Special guest speakers, for example armed services recruiters
Health insurance provider-sponsored, placebo-filled dunk tank
Decorative pyramid of abandoned coffee mugs
Everyone draws a name from a hat and has to pat that person down for stolen office supplies

Nexting the inevitable übercrash of interspace, most...

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 13:06:48 -0500

Nexting the inevitable übercrash of interspace, most midmetrofied urbs installed an OmniHole™ or two on the edge of their resizones to absorb web 2.0 thoughtstream. For the fixprice of forty sinodollars, any creditsafe person may thinkmake a memetwist in their headbrain and shoutify it into the nothingspace of the OmniHole™.

—”OmniHole™,” The Printed Wikipedia, Vol. XVI: Nuprotein-Owlbot